A Touch of Kindness
One of the consistent compliments I’ve received in the workplace in the last several years is my smile. This isn’t a creepy, “hey girl I like your smile,” compliment. Nope, this compliment is often followed by some comment on my positivity. Someone notices I like to dance. Someone said they only want to work with me on this challenging project because I always have a cheerful attitude. Others say they like talking to me.
I get very nervous about outwardly tooting my own horn, so let me be clear. I don’t share this with you to note how great I am (it isn’t all flowers and rainbows - I can slip into despair, curmudgeon-y attitudes, and harmful gossip like the next person), but to note how surprised I am when I get these comments. The statement always come with a light touch of surprise themselves as if one would never expect this level of genuine human joy and kindness in the workplace.
A while ago (still trying to retrace my steps to find the source so I can cite it here) I saw research that showed that senior colleagues in a workplace need constructive criticism to be appropriately challenged to do their best work and grow. On the other hand, junior colleagues need support, motivation, and encouragement. In my mind, do the opposite and your senior colleagues remain unchallenged with inflated ideas of how great they are, and your junior colleagues burn out from stress and lack of mentorship.
One of the main reasons I bring that joy and kindness is not to deliver some level of toxic positivity every day and hope everyone else fakes it with me. No, it is because I remember being that junior colleague. I remember being at my desk in tears because I didn’t know what I was supposed to be doing. I remember being ashamed for getting too involved in workplace drama. I remember being angry at senior leaders for their lack of mentorship. I would repeatedly question if I knew anything, if my skills were mattered, or if I could trust my experience. And when it got bad enough I quit every time.
Recently I shared with a colleague that I really needed to be more serious now that I’m a senior leader. He stopped me right there and said, “No, don’t change, you need to be you.” This white male corporate culture that has dominated the workplace for decades uses seriousness, power, and control as the currency of the elite. But it is burning out our younger workforce at abominably high rates, while keeping senior leaders too comfortable. And as us millennials make the move to senior management we may think what it takes to succeed is falling right in line with the kind of behavior that demands efficiency at all costs, unquestioned workplace devotion, and fear of failure as a motivator. It doesn’t.
Now is the time to infuse kindness into our leadership. To show understanding. To be curious about the experiences of those we supervise. To listen and empathize first. To mentor. These “soft skills” are a challenging, ongoing practice to develop. They are countercultural. They may even seem “unproductive.” But when we reduce the stress of our supervisees and colleagues, when we create a trusting environment, and prioritize the relationship, healthy workplace dynamics flourish and the work gets done, often with even more brilliance.